I am a strange guy. I have my heroes, and I like to watch them grow big, and then I like them to implode and become abominations and nobodies. All so I can relate to them better, so I can think that they were indeed what I would’ve been if I had wanted and tried as hard. Perhaps.
I am an arrogant man with such an impenetrable shell of ego that I rarely get hurt when the cause of hurt is outside me. I cannot be hurt by anyone other than myself. I often assume that there was no way to change the course things took and all I can do best is to dissect the ambitions and actions of others. I love the ‘equal to’ sign, or its extension, the ‘implies’ sign.
I often think that people like to hear me talk, because I often like what I say, it is funny, critical, fresh, not stale like the opinions of everyone else (which I consider to be half chewed, half understood, mechanical statements of mass media, or their cult leaders). I also assume that when I turn my back to a group of people, they pause for a few moments to sink in all of what I left them with to think before they resume their insignificant and mundane conversations. I often want a background track for such moments.
I like chains of logic, and creating clouds of rationality where everything is connected to something else and all makes perfect calculable sense. I find emotions to be the height of mathematics, the mathematics of infinity and recursive loops, and deducing, predicting or understanding them an honor.
Then sometimes, doubt creeps in. It plagues me. It bangs on my head like a small plastic hammer which doesn’t hurt but just is really annoying. Repeatedly. It makes me feel like I am one of them, I am like everybody else. People don’t change conversations after I leave, nor when I enter. They understand emotions and people just as well as me. That their choices are just as informed as mine. I get afraid. I start to feel alone and in the dark and it starts to affect me and makes me feel weak and worthless.
Then it just leaves suddenly. Just like it came. And I try to look best in the mirror and go outside and start to impress people again in the way that conforms with me.
I am not like everybody else in that I know that I am like everybody else. I am a snake that eats its own tail and grows bigger. Or smaller, perhaps?