Month: May 2012

I am not like everybody else…

I am a strange guy. I have my heroes, and I like to watch them grow big, and then I like them to implode and become abominations and nobodies. All so I can relate to them better, so I can think that they were indeed what I would’ve been if I had wanted and tried as hard. Perhaps.
I am an arrogant man with such an impenetrable shell of ego that I rarely get hurt when the cause of hurt is outside me. I cannot be hurt by anyone other than myself. I often assume that there was no way to change the course things took and all I can do best is to dissect the ambitions and actions of others. I love the ‘equal to’ sign, or its extension, the ‘implies’ sign.
I often think that people like to hear me talk, because I often like what I say, it is funny, critical, fresh, not stale like the opinions of everyone else (which I consider to be half chewed, half understood, mechanical statements of mass media, or their cult leaders). I also assume that when I turn my back to a group of people, they pause for a few moments to sink in all of what I left them with to think before they resume their insignificant and mundane conversations. I often want a background track for such moments.
I like chains of logic, and creating clouds of rationality where everything is connected to something else and all makes perfect calculable sense. I find emotions to be the height of mathematics, the mathematics of infinity and recursive loops, and deducing, predicting or understanding them an honor.

Then sometimes, doubt creeps in. It plagues me. It bangs on my head like a small plastic hammer which doesn’t hurt but just is really annoying. Repeatedly. It makes me feel like I am one of them, I am like everybody else. People don’t change conversations after I leave, nor when I enter. They understand emotions and people just as well as me. That their choices are just as informed as mine. I get afraid. I start to feel alone and in the dark and it starts to affect me and makes me feel weak and worthless.
Then it just leaves suddenly. Just like it came. And I try to look best in the mirror and go outside and start to impress people again in the way that conforms with me.

I am not like everybody else in that I know that I am like everybody else. I am a snake that eats its own tail and grows bigger. Or smaller, perhaps?

Dirty Attempts at Dirty Desires

There are, on the luscious pink lips that you so want to kiss, grooves so tiny that can be seen only when you’re very close, such proximity granted only when you are eligible to kiss those lips, that have within them similar tiny grooves invisible to the naked imagination, filled with thick and slowly moving saliva which often contains a residual of nearly everything imaginable, and thus is an alive cesspool of tiny microorganisms moving about and procreating and excreting. That’s what makes them so tasty.

Her breath, that often sparks a fire in your loins, has traveled a trachea filled with mucus assigned to collect most of the dirt that it comes into contact with, before passing into a jungle of nasal hair, swaying them inward and outward, all too often drying them up and drying the thin layer of thick mucus glued to the nose by sapping all of the moisture, which mostly would contain a colony of alive microorganisms moving about and procreating and excreting. That’s what gives you goosebumps.

I am the Mad King

When I become the king of the world

I will ensure Justice with a capital J
and Freedom with a capital F for everyone.

I would ensure that everyone is free,
and that everything is just.

I will ensure that none become prey
to self-grandiosity, and trample others’ freedom.

I will ensure that everyone is equally happy
for that is how it should be in a just world.

If someone gets unhappy, I will persuade him to be merry
and if he doesn’t, I’ll make everyone else equally unhappy.

If freedom ever gets in the way of justice,
or justice in the way of freedom, it’ll be tricky.

If I am judging, I will choose justice,
but if I am judged, I will choose liberty.

But I find something hard to ignore,
though it might be the solution itself:

If I have my way, I will be the happiest,
and would have no way to maintain equality.

This would in turn make me restless, unhappy,
and counter the problem of me being happy.

But this vicious realization, would again lead me to raptures,
leading me to torment, leading me to raptures, leading me to insanity.

It would have then come full circle,
mirroring my search for justice-
my delusional search for mathematical symmetry,
and my quest for freedom-
my narcissistic quest for guiltless vanity.