Month: February 2011

The Rooftop


I was 15 years old then, getting more erections a day than the hair on my chin. I was extremely sensitive to detect any possible masturbatory material. For that, however, I had to spend as much time away from my old men as possible. I lived in a small house, where no one slept at the same time, not when I was awake anyway. So I frequented the roof a bit too much. And like a vulture from afar, I looked for something to jerk off to in the windows and backyards of the other houses. Anything, anything at all. Armed with a monstrously horny imagination, I could transform a witch-like granny into a sex-kitten, you can very well imagine what I could do to a cleavage.

But it wasn’t the only thing I did on the roof. Nerds also need their daily dose of calculations. So I played cricket against the wall, and sometimes when the phantom matches weren’t interesting enough, I’d throw my ball to a courtyard with a good chance of a fleshy encounter. And then go fetch it.

I now need to explain to you how our little community of houses was planned. It was an ancient plan, much influenced by the close-knit structures of the Harappans (without as advanced facilities for drainage). Take a 20×8 rectangle. Divide the length into 5 equal parts and make columns in the rectangle. Now the rectangle consists of five sub-sections each of dimensions 4×8. Now cut the four into two. Now slit the 8 into two. We get 20 sections of dimensions 2×4. That was one building in a colony of 20 buildings. Each building had two floors, meant as two separate residences. The lower one was compensated with a backyard, the upper one with a roof. There were no balconies. It was a very gloomy and ill-thought piece of construction indeed. But what made it such proper hunting grounds for me was that the bathrooms were, as they couldn’t be anywhere else, on the backside of the houses, with clean beautiful windows, most of which were covered by some heavy drapery or in the most pathetic cases, newspapers. But often the drapery would slip just an inch for me to have a peek at some naked figure getting all wet. It would sometimes be very disturbing for me when the person I’d just jerked off to turned out to be a man, something I’d get to know only when he entered the room without the curtains. Otherwise, it went smoothly.

Such innocent perversions, you would say, remembering your own voyeuristic adventures of the past. Yes indeed they were, till they went a bit wrong one day (as was expected: the note had to have a plot). Not too wrong, for I still savour them, and that is precisely the reason I share them with you today.

There were two women I particularly fancied: the 40-year old with 36-B cup size who lived next door to me, to whose roof I had unrestricted access (in fact, it must not be excluded if we are to consider all the vantage points), and the 32-A cup sized recent mother of a girl who never wore bras, till I pushed her to her limits of getting her breasts ogled at. I need to draw a chart of my grounds now. I threw the ball at the wall, it bounced back to me, whence I batted. So the 40-year good-oldie lived on the non-striker’s end and the braless-wonder was the wicketkeeper. And a good many months it took me to realise I had one! That too braless! Top it with a thin blouse, and a carelessly worn sari, because she was so comfortable there, alone with her baby-girl. Not that I wasn’t alert enough, the reason was that she didn’t use the roof as idling grounds till it was winters, and we all know how much Indian women love the winter sun.

So it was indeed one sunny winter noon when I heard the ever so erotic jingle of a dumb rural woman’s bangles. Bangles are usually worn by newly married Indian women, and it is a sign that they are fresh and can’t get enough of their husbands. And the sun blinked! And my heart pumped deliriously! The next ball was a bouncer left well alone to climb the five feet high walls of my roof and go purposefully to the next roof. And I climbed the feet high (incredible design) and one brick thick extension at the base of the wall originally meant to be used for harmless and useless flower pots.

It was a desert-rose! In a fiery red sari, she first flashed her dumb eyes at me, laughed ever more idiotically and with erotic promptness jumped out of her cot to fetch me the ball. I didn’t even utter a word. She picked the ball, and what follows is the one of the most relished moments of my adolescence.

Her dumbness was comparable only to the on-rush of my hormones, sharpening my focus, prepping the system to its most alert, and pumping my teenage over-working dick to its hardest. She had the ball in an outstretched hand, but how I remember that detail is beyond my understanding. You see, her nipples were bare, through the thin blouse of course. Perfect brown circles with perky ends comparable in size to undersized-peas (pardon my lack of imagination). And oh how they gyrated! And how many bouncers I bowled that day! I’d become so audacious by the third attempt that I jumped the wall, offering my excuses for the witless jumping ball, and having as many close encounters with the reservoirs of erotic energies as possible.

I couldn’t keep any scores the next few weeks. An occasional cover-drive was all I could muster, the rest of the time spent devising creative ways of getting on to the roof with the better set of balls. I had to do small talk, the flirt in me inexperienced then, but never short of guts. I would go over to her roof now after a bouncer, pretend to play with the little girl, while getting eyefuls of her breasts. I would ask stupid questions, like, is she a girl? whether it was too bright, or too hot? Anything that my cranium could cook up, I spewed it out, only so I could stare longer at those wonderful nipples.

You know what the real prize was, though? She occasionally fed the baby. She was a very shy woman, and one who knew how many eyes were desperately wanting to have a peek of those nipples she so preciously, but not so intelligently, guarded. She would never feed the baby till it made a real ruckus and she had just settled into the cot and didn’t want to go downstairs. But still I caught her in the action twice. It was easy, you just had to keep the noises carefully monitored, any abrupt shush marking an exposure. I did catch her feeding the baby a lot of times, but mostly she had her back to me, and only on two instances did I get lucky enough to have a peek at her nipples without a colour filter, standing in elegant contrast to the creamy golden-white skin around them. (I think it is needless to tell the intelligent readers explicitly that I had by now a carefully selected camera position which obscured me enough while at the same time giving me a good view of the seductress. My effrontery, sprouting from my balls, was the second layer of disguise I had on. Needless to add, I jerked off in this camera position a lot of times.)

II

The surprise masturbation package exhausted one day as abruptly as it had come. It was nearing the end of winters, and the time you could enjoy in the sun was shrinking drastically every passing day. But it wasn’t the sun I had an issue with. It was the bra she had invested in: a cheap 32-A sized piece of cloth in no way worthy of touching those wonderfully crafted nipples, let alone snuffing their well-deserved amount of sunlight.

But it was an experiment to her, so she had bought just one. So I would wait eagerly for the days when the bra would be on the clothes’ line. I shunned whatever attempts I made at decency and only the sight of the brown nipples would relieve me now. It went like this the next few days, till the time she concluded that bras were indeed useful inventions and she must have more than one. She got two more. I remember the brands, still.

Ladylike: the one with the thickest texture. It was her best piece, without a doubt. Oh yes, much as I detested her wearing the bras, I couldn’t contain my eruptions when I laid my hands on them, feeling them completely, the bras that still kept in their intertwined fabric some memory of her nipples, some faint fragrance I could hold on to. In my desperateness, I imagined the unmistakable odour of detergent to be her stench, and wasted my day’s last sperms fantasising how I would violate her on the roof while her daughter lay there crying, or sleeping (when I wanted peaceful ones).

It was during one of such feeling sessions that I felt the urgent need to leave an impression upon her life, come as close to her as possible. Enter her bedroom, fiddle carelessly with her boobs like I owned them and she couldn’t do a thing about it, sniff her body, undo her last layers of clothing, get her naked in front of me. Make her spread her legs and hurt her vagina with my fingers. I wanted her to know that I wanted to fuck her, and that I did it every night. I wanted her to know that I was hearing her every breath from this side of the wall, and that she couldn’t escape me, much as she wanted to. I wanted her to know that I fucking existed. I tore the bra to shreds…

I’d done something irrevocably stupid. There was no one other than me who was the suspect. I had to get rid of this bra, and where could I? In my panic, I rushed across to the opposite roof, and tossed the bra to the next roof. My chest was now too small to contain my heart, and I knew it was the dumbest thing I could’ve done. But I couldn’t do anything about it now, the dividing wall on this roof was too high to climb and the risk of getting caught with a torn bra too much. I rushed downstairs. I prayed to god that night. I didn’t even masturbate.

***

Two days later, when I was beginning to think that no one had noticed, the two days I hadn’t gone to the roof, the two days I hadn’t touched my dick, she came to my house. Bangles a-jingling. I was petrified when she entered the main lobby where on the divan I was lounging. She threw me a sidelong glance, not looking at me directly. She sat on the sofa not too far from me, opposite my mother (of course they knew each other – it is a middle class Indian community). I was swallowing spit and blood, my spintcher so loose that my asshole was wide as a trumpet. My immediate concern was that my mom could hear my heartbeats. I couldn’t avert my gaze, no matter how hard I tried.

She started innocently discussing salwar designs. My heart was beating so loud I couldn’t properly hear what she was saying, though I could make out it was about the salwar from the way she was moving her hand about in the air. She adroitly moved to discussing her baby. I was impressed by her cunning. I could see she’d come prepared. Next she’d move to the roof, then to me and then to the incident. I lost all hope.

She then started discussing children in general, not really caring for my mom’s replies. The plan was there, it was just a bit different. She threw me a gut wrenching glare, turned back to my mom and calmly remarked, “The kids that appear so quiet and docile on the outside are actually a lot worse than the bold ones.” Pause. I looked away, with a violent jerk of the neck. She didn’t say anything else. My mom agreed like a good host. She was torturing me and relishing it. She knew it would be no use creating that mountain when an anthill was more effective as a torture. She waited. My mom dutifully continued talking about children. She made her stop with a nonchalant hmm. I turned nervously, she threw another glance at me, smiled at me, and said, “You haven’t been playing on the roof, I thought you were sick.” I couldn’t reply, I couldn’t feign a smile. “Such a shy boy,” she said to my mom, with a genial smile. Then, without waiting for my mom to finish, she rose up, and said good-bye. My mom followed her to the door.

Then my mom returned and we had dinner.

Art and Hopelessness


I felt a tremor of happiness run through me when I first saw that my blog was finally being read. Then, I felt convulsed. This tremor was the contemptible electrical signal that marked everything wrong with my motivations of pursuing art. Or maybe, it’s the artists who are to blame.

What it told me was that I coveted the desire to be appreciated more than the desire to create.  I wrote for an audience, that is, and not for myself, or for the sake of art: “the good and the beautiful”. Whatever was written by me was glossed and decorated so it be delectable for the readers, howsoever imaginary they might be. Hence, everything I wrote was mendacious, and since writers pride themselves on telling the truth, I was nothing but an abhorrence pursuing a sacrilege in the name of (self-proclaimed) art.

But then, who is immune to this feeling? I’m sure every artist goes to bed insecure that he is nothing more than a base whiner who does nothing better than earn money (not a lot of it anyway) for having himself heard, that he is intellectually crippled to the extent that he cannot even realise how worthless he is. The next moment, however, would return in him a breath of self-assuredness, depending upon his achievements maybe, and he would soon be stroking his vanity by comparing his intellect with the masses. This is the cost of having a higher conscience. Every artist is cursed to suffer immense torment over just the tag of being one.

Essentially it boils down to self-worth, and the tender sentiments in this regard can be mutilated to shambles by just a passing comment, as they often do. It’s difficult to keep a count of writers, potentially as good as Philip Roth, paralysed because a passing comment slit the arteries of their motivation whence bled all their self-worth.

(I have to confess here that this post has lost direction a bit, but that often happens with first drafts, and I won’t care to edit it, I already have a zillion projects waiting to be edited ‘just a little’. In your face, my filthy readers, see how I am indifferent to you!)

The shameless, or the appreciated, meanwhile, keep pursuing the elusive goal – the goal that must not be ever reached for it would destroy the real intent behind any work of art (for the intent is nothing more than pursuing the elusive goal). In the process, they discover many a truths about human nature, through projecting themselves on others, through empathising with others, and through musing about the purpose of life. By doing this, by making themselves miserable everyday and by keeping at it, they open to the perceptive fellow human eyes a window to their own souls. Of course they demand attention like lovers, but that is just a small charge for a service very appreciable indeed.

Written in Dust: The Keyboard Speaks


“The faintest ink is more powerful than the greatest memory.”

As I was dusting my keyboard yesterday, I noticed a more stubborn type of dust on some of the keys, which I didn’t rub off: it was precious. Why? Because it told a very interesting tale…

Of the keys in the alphabet, Q had a significantly greater covering of the dust than any of the other keys, most of which were clean. TAB was a bit cleaner than the CAPS LOCK key, indicating clearly the usage of these. So I will try to draw inferences out of the patterns now.

Inference 1: I am mostly a cheerful person.
) was cleaner than (, indicating that I’d made the happy face 🙂 more than the long face :(. A little less used symbol was |, which means I’m more often sure of my emotions (I make the 😐 face when I am confused or unsure of what to say).

Inference 2: I am a textbook grammarian.
There was dust on the top part of the ‘ button, which means I press it with SHIFT more than without. That is, I use the ” more than ‘. Also, my SHIFT buttons are very clean indicating my love for the correct case. * was mostly unused.

Inference 3: Though I’ve been in a long-distance relation before as well, it’s from my current girl that I have learned how to kiss on chat.
The dust on * was wearing thin and looked polished. : ?* is how I kiss.

Inference 4: I have a love of the exclaimed!
Of all the numeric keys, 1 was the cleanest. Unsurprisingly, I use the ! mark a lot.

Inference 5: I am an escapist as well.
No, I’m not. I just press the ESC key a lot. Maybe I am, but the key has nothing to do with it, I bet. Or maybe Lacan was right: our unconscious is structured like language.

The Reform


It’s been a long time that I’ve been complaining of inertia, feeling good only about my likeness to the antihero of Notes from Underground when he said that a decent and intelligent man was forced to not take any steps at all.

My Muse is a druggie: she comes to her job only in patches, and when she does she charges a huge sum of attention for her job (which is hugely shoddy anyway), rest of the time she’s out partying with the Muses of other wannabe writers. Today on, however, she is going to be regular: if she doesn’t come to work, the work will go to her.

My room had been a crime scene till yesterday, looking as if dark marauders had come and ransacked it: clothes strewn everywhere alongside juice cartons, chocolate wrappers, biscuit wrappers, chewing gum wrappers (yes I eat them so much that they are sizable). My life was a chaos of similar proportions. I had to work on my thesis and with the deadline staring me in the face I turned my eyeballs inwards and did some soul-searching. Guess what I found! A coupon offering discount on my soul (70%) valid till 31/12/2011. Gosh.

Instantly, I picked up my bucket: washed my clothes and myself too. I picked up the litter, and threw it all out: it took three outings (I have a small square room 8 ft by 8 ft). I cleaned my keyboard (and I have noticed some really cool things in the patterns of dust on my keys, which will be elaborated in the next post), my monitor, my table, leaving the spider webs to be dusted away tomorrow first thing in the morning. I joined postaday. I installed sticky notes. I wrote three notes, one of which was redundant. I washed my water-bottle and filled it and it shines neat on my table. I cut the  lid off my shoe-box and will now use it as a dustbin. I bought pens. I arranged my books. To reward myself, well, I ate chocolate cookies.

All this is the result of an inexplicable yet (or, hence) intense lack of thought and a stupor that clogged the very veins of my motivation, and thence action. Today, the levee broke, and guilt like water gushed in and filled my lungs with an ache to work, and now I breathe the sweet air of a satisfying day.

The dam’s been blown to smithereens for good. This time, I am sure.